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I Know

I know, this blog has started to become sort of a diary again— I apologize to those who stumble upon thinking otherwise.

Frankly, I needed an avenue to exhale, because I feel like no one actively listens to me anymore. Though I've been feeling that way for a very long time now.



I've masturbated four times this week— I'll explain,
Having a hard time adjusting to pain.

I tell people about the dark, shadowy, veil that has seemed to envelope my life lately, and they brush it off. It's not like I'm under some dark cloud, or I'm depressed, It's like I am literally walking around with a thin sheet of dark, but transparent, silk in front of my eyes. My life seems to be enveloped in this film. It's making it difficult for me to be present and enjoy the moment.

I think I used to do that. I hope I used to do that.

But now, everything seems to the same. Everything seems like a blur.

I'm not depressed now, but I don't feel like I have anything to live for. I don't feel like I need anything, so I do everything for the sake of other people.

How can I feel the void in my heart, if I feel like I am not fit for it to be filled?

Interesting

So today they left, which is okay. They didn't end up going back to the far away place, but only 80 miles away.

Still too far for my fancy, but I did enjoy my time with them. I also enjoyed seeing her.

I do hope and pray that everything goes well in their current location, that way she-- they, won't be so far away.

For now, all I have is a beaded bracelet that she left behind.

I'll be visiting soon.

Realizing

Finally coming to the realization that my imperfections make me an unfit mate for her, causes me to open my eyes to all of the beautiful women around me.

One in particular, an amazing young lady that sparks my fancy. From the first time I met her, I wanted to get to know her more. I was instantly tossed into my 'shy guy mode'. A state where I try not to look her in the face, consciously avoiding staring too deeply in her eyes.

She laughs at all of my jokes, and asks me any little old question, just to make me feel smart.

She's even interested in my business. Girl's are never interested in what I do for a living, they look at me like I'm weird, just because I don't work for anyone and I have an ounce of ambition.

I definitely hope she doesn't leave too soon, because I would love to take it there.

Take Care.

Feelings.

I’m just sayin’, you could do better
Tell me have you heard that lately
I’m just sayin’ you could do better
And I’ll start hatin’, only if you make me.

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